Tag: Balance

Sailing Naked – How a Hungarian Freedom Fighter and His American Daughter Resolved Intergenerational Trauma

Available 15 October 2025 in the UK and EU through local booksellers as well as major retailers. Sailing Naked will be released in the US on 6 January 2026. Want a compelling read?? Buy yours now!

Synopsis:

Sailing the high seas, clothes were always optional. Why settle for plain vanilla when you can be an outrageous chocolate sundae—overflowing with flavor and a few nuts on top?

Frank thrived on creativity and contradiction. Whether he was sailing the Pacific, debating the virtues of growing vegetables in the desert, or simply losing himself in conversation, he did it all with flair. The ascot and Wayfarers he wore were more than style—they were the bow on a loosely wrapped package, the final flourish on a life lived vividly.

Yet beneath that charm lay the shadow of a past he could never escape. At twenty, Frank fled Communist Hungary in 1956, carrying with him both freedom and the wounds of exile. He was no man for excuses; he simply chose to live at the farthest edge of everything—having once known the suffocating stillness of censorship, he sought only extremes.

Kristina’s memoir is a raw, lyrical exploration of her life with her father, a Hungarian Freedom Fighter turned political refugee. Through love, loss, and turbulence, she unravels the story of a man celebrated for his courage yet undone by his demons. Though he earned entry to the United States through a visa recognizing his service as a translator for the Austrian border guards, his spirit remained haunted by the Russians and their tanks. Drugs and alcohol became his refuge until his final breath.

Where hope flickered, despair often followed. Few could comprehend the emotional wreckage born from a youth of hiding carrots, stealing chickens, or dragging a wounded comrade from the reach of Soviet bullets. In the end, hindsight became a reflecting pool—showing a thousand ways Kristina and Frank might have found peace together.

This is an account of her path to find peace, via Venice Beach, California in the 1970s, Seville, Spain in the 1980s, Michigan, Chicago, Switzerland, Hungary, the Isle of Wight and Mexico.

Early praise for Sailing Naked includes:

“A compelling expression of vulnerability and acceptance… A must read!” — Evelyn Farkas, Ph.D., National Security Expert and Fellow Hungarian

“Her lesson to all of us is to have empathy for oneself and to honor and develop your highest self.” — David Evrard, Author and Entrepreneur

“Through storm and hellish situations, Kalapos unflinchingly documents her father’s struggles and her own quest for inner peace. A moving tale of compassion and acceptance.” — Zilka Joseph, Author of Sweet Malida: Memories of a Bene Israel Woman

About Kristina Kalapos:

Kristina is an entrepreneur, writer, adjunct instructor, and ski instructor, she has built a dynamic career defined by creativity and resilience. Born in Zurich, Switzerland, she remains deeply connected to her Hungarian roots and has successfully founded two businesses. Her intuitive vision has guided her work in business, in the classroom, and on the ski slopes alike. Kristina attended elementary and junior high school in Traverse City before moving to Harbor Springs for high school. She currently lives in Northern Michigan.

Thank you for your purchase!

How is your PR treating you?

It is nearly impossible today to get out of bed and face the day with 100% enthusiasm and conviction. Even on the best days, shit gets in the way. Some days, I absorb it like a sponge, while others I repel it with all my might and let it roll off of my back.

The ebb and flow of that balance requires a conscious persistence or does it?

Is perseverance innate or learned?

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If it is learned, I don’t ever remember it being taught. If it is innate, I have the genetics of perseverant gold embedded in my DNA by the unwavering will of my grandparents and father.

Science will tell you its learned but I choose to believe it is both. When you persevere at a young age, you do without knowing you are so something innate drives that urge to persist despite setbacks and struggles.

With age comes wisdom, critical thinking, and the ability to understand the broader concepts of mindsets, perseverance is clearly developed through a pattern of learned behaviors, observations, experiences, and challenges.

Where does resilience enter the picture?

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Resilience is your friend pounding on the front door trying to wake you out of a dead sleep to get your ass up and moving when all you want to do is pull the covers over your head.

One cannot persevere without resilience.

If we could, our time on this planet would require absolutely no effort. Everything would just happen exactly the way you planned it. Graduate with honors – check, make a million bucks – check, score every opportunity – check, and build the perfectly infallible life – checkmate!

How is your PR treating you?

Resilience enables persistence and creates an energy that endures through the largest of challenges. Without resilience, prevailing is an accident. Like walking on thin ice hoping not to fall through. Resilience doesn’t make the ice thicker, it creates the belief that it is.

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Perseverance keeps you taking one trepid step at a time knowing you might fall through at any moment. Resilience leaves you knowing if you do, you have a plan to get out. You might be cold and wet, but you get out and move on.

Just like the ole wise tale of The Tortoise and the Hare. The tortoise prevailed because it persisted in taking one step at a time. As they say, ‘Slow and steady wins the race.’

If you trip and fall do you lay on the ground writhing in agony, or get the hell up and try again?

I am not sure when in my life I understood or could recognize what perseverance and resilience even looked like but reflecting on my experiences, I relied on both very heavily to prevail in my accidental and purposeful endeavors.

How is your PR holding up?

Today, I know definitively with 100% certainty that I would not be where I am without the benefit of both. There are countless times in my life when pulling the covers over my head seemed the only way out, and yet I kept slugging along.

My PR has served me well. It laid the foundation that created opportunities in each of my endeavors and has not let me down.

Not even once.

Perseverance – Finding the Light at the End of the Tunnel

Admittedly, I have been a bit underwhelmed and uninspired of late… a bit ho hum. On the eve of the 364th day of my year, I find myself in some heavy, deep reflection.

Rut Ro.

Isn’t that what birthdays are supposed to do? Pause, reflect, embrace, and saddle up for the coming year.

So here I sit, thinking about the how, the when and the why of my countless experiences. Specifically, the one’s through which I managed to persevere. I don’t remember making a conscious choice to persevere, rather, I embraced the characteristics of one who chose the opposite of conceding defeat.

I chose not to settle in the muck.

serene cypress trees in vibrant green swamp
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There is great discomfort in the swamp, only matched by the discomfort of trudging through it. I guess my underlying hope is/was I will eventually make my way out of it.

The problem is, you don’t know you will come out the other side, until you have arrived on the other side!

I am fortunate to have had worthy examples of such a trek in my life, but as observations rather than teachings. My Hungarian grand parents exemplified the extremely consequential necessity of NOT conceding defeat at levels that make my challenges seem like a walk through the rose garden, merely dodging thorns.

Their unwavering, resilient determination gave me my life. That is a heavy load.

Reflection is a powerful tool and my perspective is rooted in it.

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It is a subjective process that includes a dash of rationalization. I would rather rationalize my way through the swamp than drowned in it. Writing has given me that pause. The time necessary to slow my roll, reflect, process, push on through, and eventually find gratitude in all things past and present.

As I have said many times, I am where I am because of where I have been. The good, the bad and everything in between. Water under the bridge is water under the bridge! I can’t push it back up stream and make it come down differently.

Embrace it and move on!

If that makes a bad thing not so bad, or something I expected, exceptional, I’ll take that every day!

Persevering is the strongest of P’s in my Pod. With a lifetime of experience behind me it’s easy to reflect on its significant impact in my life’s direction and outcomes. The fortitude, determination and will to endure has served me well.

Today’s swamp is in the distance, potentially avoidable if I navigate the appropriate detour. As they say, with age comes wisdom. Having made a life time of mistakes has sharpened my ability to avoid a wrong turn in my future.

Fortunately, my hardships are in the rearview mirror resting neatly amongst the other shiny tools in the back seat. I know there is potential to be neck deep in the swamp, gasping for each breath before I’m sucked in by the muck.

I am hopeful the tools I have employed effectively in the past will encourage balance and harmony and enable peace. And steer me clear of the muck. It is a more difficult equation when I can’t control the outcome of something so I try to focus on the things I can control.

Persevering through difficult circumstances has served me well. That persistence points me in the right direction and invariably leads me right to the light at the end of the tunnel.

There really is no other choice.

Perspective – One of the P’s in my Pod

I was talking with a friend recently about thoughts and perspectives and how and why we come to the reality of our positions. I wondered, is everyone’s mind in over-drive all the time or just mine?

My overthinking doesn’t render me in the abyss of indecision, rather it never leaves room for pure and utter silence.

question mark on pavement
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Have you ever wondered how much ground a squirrel can cover jumping from one tree’s branch to another? Or why a No. 2 Pencil is numbered and reigns supreme?

I didn’t think so.

I split hairs, connect dots, analyze angles, sharpen pencils, pull weeds in the desert and then put it all together in one cohesive anthology. It leaves me in the space of a pretty firm opinion.

People close to me are prepared for the challenge. I am neither obstinate nor a, my-way-or-the-highway kind of gal, but you can be sure I have covered all the perceived angles.

I am a good listener, I ask a lot of questions, and I can admit when I am wrong.

white and blue surface illustration
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I challenge other’s positions with an open mind knowing I can’t learn something new without understanding another’s perspective. It is critical to have a voice of conviction when sharing our beliefs if there is value in moving the needle one way or the other.

Nothing worse than wishy-washy.

The best orators cultivate mindsets rather than fix broken records, not just because they are firm in their conviction but because they lead and live through their example. Their passion and commitment to their belief lies beyond the words that encapsulate it.

That is a person who can push the needle.

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I would very much prefer and accept someone’s counter conviction if they themselves lived, breathed and walked in the space with it. I always say, the loudest homophobes are closet-ed gays. It’s their very vocal condemnation and projection of a belief that they clearly do not subscribe to since they hide under the pretense with enormous disdain.

Swap out any 2 things and you will see the pattern.

The loudest complainers carry the biggest shovel.

Those shining the brightest spot light are deflecting their own shadow.

Those that live in glass houses should not throw stones.

You get the idea. Pure hypocrisy.

It is okay to be on 2 different pages when our beliefs are foundational to the way we conduct ourselves.  It is not about always being on the same page or about being a goody two shoes, or living infallibly or being the brightest star, it’s about owning your words and your commitment to them.

Simply, our perspective should align with our conduct. Period. 100%.

It seems easier to pretend to be something we are not rather than just own the air and space in which we exist. There was a time in my life when this was more difficult than it is for me today, but if I had to pin-point it, I think it foundationally changed when I stopped giving a shit about what other’s thought. 

lensball on gray stone
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When I let go of the frame through which I thought other’s would define me and lived more transparently, I became capable of living authentically.

When I aligned my words with my actions, life got a lot easier. Today, my not giving-a-shit attitude is not cavalier nor malicious, it simply enables a space and time to live in my words and beliefs.

It is foundational to my perspective and worldview. It is one of the P’s in my pod.

Liar, liar, if Only Your Pants Were Actually on Fire

Tall tales, Pinocchio’s nose and pants ablaze were the metaphorical lessons of my youth that pointed to liars. Learning the importance of truth and trust came only after years of living in the consequences of overlooking them.

Today, I see them as the two most compelling elements of integrity, mine and yours. From the most egregious to the most benign, say what you mean and mean what you say or move on.

Liars suck!

footsteps on sand on a beach
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If I bump into the liar who lies through their example, I run in the opposite direction as fast as I can. Nothing unnerves me more than hypocrisy. The hypocrite doesn’t just speak the lie, they live the lie. Can you imagine how spiritually detrimental that is? Lying by example takes so much pre-meditated, methodical effort and energy.

Purely, dreadful.

I always say, the loudest homophobes are closeted gays. How better to hide behind your lie than to bash the shit out of it at every opportunity.

Liar, Liar if only your pants were actually on fire!

cairn stones and body of water in distance
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Where do we find the balance of trust over judgement and vulnerability over protection? If we need to earn these attributes, what is the cost? Are we guilty before proven innocent?

When I had my business in Chicago, highly sensitive information passed through our hands in advance of its destruction. The nature of our work required clean background checks, driving records and drug tests as mandatory industry pre-hire screenings.

A high level of trust among my employees and customers was critical to our reputation and success. During the new employee training, I explained to the newbies that they did not need to earn my trust.

Hmmm, smells like an oxymoron after jumping through all those hoops.

Think about what earning someone’s trust means… why do they need to earn it? Putting the mandatory pre-screenings aside, the human nature piece of the puzzle stood in a grey area presuming the newbies were not worthy of acceptance and trust despite the hoops through which they had just jumped.

Wasn’t that enough?

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Somehow now they needed to prove themselves to me, to earn it, to display a shining example worthy of the win. What does that shining example even look like? Showing up on time? Wearing a clean uniform? Greeting me with a smile?

Trust – Worthy or Not?

The word Trustworthy has always bothered me. It implies so many things that defy trust like lying, cheating, stealing, or misrepresenting something material are someway disproven thereby validating one’s worthiness.

I put 100% faith in what someone says unless they prove me wrong.

No test to pass, only to potentially fail.

Do you presume a new fresh face a liar before they even share space with you? If someone needs to earn our trust that is exactly what we do. Are they paying for the consequences of those that came before them? Earning one’s trust implies they are not worthy until they prove themselves worthy.

Where is the finish line, the gold medal? How far out is the test? Does the test require a No. 2 pencil?

I had a simple solution that became my go forward philosophy.

I told the newbies that they didn’t need to earn my trust, they already had it and only stood to lose it. It worked for me and gave them the confidence to do their job without having to prove anything more to me.

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How can we trust without being vulnerable and how can we be vulnerable without trust? They must walk hand in hand even at the risk of being hurt or burned. Offering 100% trust to someone or thing has risks that can expose us to lies and hypocrisy, but without it we risk the fulfillment of trust and vulnerability, and the gifts that accompany them.

My intuition serves me well and for me, 100% trust is a worthy risk.

Why Strong Women Don’t Need a Golden Lasso or Bionic Arm

When I was a kid, The Bionic Woman and Wonder Woman were the strongest women I knew. Lindsay Wagner was an athletic, coyly sophisticated badass that morphed into an image of power and strength, single handedly (she did only have 1 bionic arm 😊) taking out the bad guy.

While Lynda Carter, a glamourous model who won Miss World USA in 1972, portrayed a Princess from an island in the Bermuda Triangle.  She spun her way into her super powers, deflected bullets with her golden wrist bracelets and subdued her enemies with her golden lasso.

A LOT has changed.

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Strength and power in women today abounds and surrounds us in everyday life. Everyday, everywhere.

Our power is neither artificially implanted nor theatrically elevated. It lives and breathes within us and among us.

Wisdom, age, experience, exposure, education, success, and failure line the halls of our collective super powers. I’m not talking about taking out the bad guy, deflecting bullets, dominance or control. I’m talking about empowerment, encouragement and support.

Like spokes on a wheel, we all need to come together to keep rolling down the road.

My Grandparents – Imre and Maria Kalapos

My grandmother was one such woman. If only I had the capacity to recognize that while she was still alive. She endured 2 world wars, the Nazi’s, Russians, and the Hungarian Revolution before fleeing her country after 57 years.

She and my grandfather left everything behind.

They escaped from the worsening of continued oppressive control. Imagine a scale so out of balance it illuminated a dimly lit path that meant walking away from their lives, spirits, professions, and their material and nonmaterial possessions.

Everything they knew = the cost of freedom. A price so exponentially unimaginable, it is difficult to quantify.

The persevering resilience she exhibited empowers me. Pretty much hard to complain about anything when I think about all she endured and sacrificed to feel and be free. My life exists solely by virtue of her monumental sacrifices.

Takes my breath away every time.

So, I persist, I focus, I move forward, I endure, I give, I try, I speak, I sink, I swim, I float, I jump, I fall, I get back up.

Persevering resilience is my super power. It is time tested. If I persist, I prevail.

Or as Social Psychologist, Amy Cuddy likes to say, “Fake it until you become it.” I have faked my way through many things knowing and believing I will eventually prevail. I will become it. If you haven’t crossed paths with Cuddy’s 2012 Ted Talk on body language, linked above, it is a worthy 20 minutes of your day.

Artistry, insight, knowledge, compassion, connections, endurance, tolerance, inclusion… What is your super power? Your gift?

Do you give it away?

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Whatever super power you have, give it away. Share it often. Empower someone. Help them find the confidence to step into the magic slippers and discover their own super powers.

So many of us need it. We don’t need a golden lasso or bionic arm; we need each other’s strengths.

If you need a super power, look for it. Likely, it is standing right in front of you poised to encourage, enable and empower you.

A big thank you to Julie S. for my writing inspo. Congratulations on ‘becoming it.’ Now it’s time for you to go make some waves!

RIP to the Grandest of Grandmothers:

My Grandparents grave marker. They are buried just outside of Zuirch, Switzerland

Maria Vagho Kalapos 1905 – 1983 Imre Kalapos 1901 – 1985

we are all Creatures of HAbit ambliNG through lifE with fervor

When change is afoot, I move slowly with intensity cross checking all the angles, anticipating the bumps or sharp curves while trying to solve problems that haven’t occurred.

I connect dots. All the bases are covered.

If I overlook something detrimental, I press on and figure it out as I go. Unfortunately, not all change can be methodically planned or even in our control. It lands at our feet and it’s either get on board or stay behind at the dock.

The ship leaves now!

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Routine is critical to supporting our best selves because that is how we improve and perfect. Convenience abounds and change is a growing brick wall that gets harder and harder to scale. We decide something can’t be done long before embracing the effort because change is difficult.

I have hit the brick wall at full speed in my life to ultimately embrace the needed change, more often, much to my advantage.

Why do we bump up against change with such obstinance? Will the world crumble right under our feet if we deviate one iota from our conditioned and patterned life?

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Patterns and habits are the comfiest of blankets even when they don’t keep us warm anymore. As we cling to the very last thread, kicking, screaming and complaining our way to Change declaring it is ‘so outrageous, it could never work.’

David Bowe, Ziggy Marley, Michael Jackson, and Taylor Swift sing about change. We employ change agents, life coaches, and other positive influences. They abound evoking change and yet settling in our comfort zones seems the preferred pattern.

Is it the unknown? The fear of failure? The fear of deviation?

All of the above.

In business, Change = Innovation and change agents work to indoctrinate and implement change to the masses. A quick google search defines the characteristics of a change agent as, a lifelong learner, flexible, trustworthy, organized, excited by new ideas or opportunities, creative, courageous, experienced. They are good collaborators and mediators.

They get shit done and herd us where we need to go.

How do we become our own change agents to streamline and facilitate our best directions? Not everyone has bold ambition, or they might be quite comfortable right where they are, and rightly so.

There is a time in life to coast and a time in life to scale.

When I decided it was time to leave Chicago the only thing I knew for certain was I didn’t want to live in the city anymore. I moved there on a whim with my 2 best friends from college, blinked my eyes a few times and found 27 years had passed.

An odd series of seemingly unrelated events occurred, the sale of my business, a new relationship, and the sudden death of my sister-in-law’s father.

His funeral took me home to Northern Michigan to say good-bye and spend some time with my family. After my week home, I solidified a direction I hadn’t anticipated taking and decided to trade city chaos and over stimulation for a comparably reclusive life filled with peace and quiet.

Five months after my trip home, my house was sold along with most of its contents, and well 10 years later here I sit, happy as a clam burrowed in the sand.

We are all Creatures of HAbit ambliNG through lifE with fervor.

 A few words from the wise.

“Turn and face the strange…” – David Bowe

“We all want our dreams to be real…” – Ziggy Marley

“I’m starting with the man in the mirror…” – Michael Jackson

“These walls that they put up to hold us back fell down…” – Taylor Swift

RIP Sam S. Affendikis – February 6, 1928 – May 27, 2013

Thanks for the nudge.

Why Shouldn’t We Persist in the Monotony of the Mundane?

I left my first job out of college because it lacked inspiration and stimulation. Even though it provided tools enabling my future success, finding creative ways to push in my chair at the end of the day left me dizzy and bored.

I spent my entire life proceeding that moment preparing for exactly what I had yet felt lackadaisical and full of dread. Mediocrity feeds monotony, but moving past it requires trepid steps, risk and a possibility of failure.

Is it safer to be bored by the dull and tedious?

Is the pie in the sky there for the taking or merely a distraction leaving us constantly grasping for something just out of reach?

Do we persist in the mundane because we must or because we don’t see a choice?  

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I walked both ends of that tight rope. I thrive in routine and structure as long as it is stimulating, but wheels spinning in the same direction lack vision and creativity and leave me feeling ho hum and weary.

Why do we continue to spin on the hamster wheel when our path’s destiny is fully within reach and at our discretion? Is it easier to stop short of the finish line and settle in ho hum-dom?

I can only answer those questions for me, and the fear of stagnation is my motivation. Slime accumulates on still water because it’s not flowing.  If we flow, we move down stream eventually making our way to bigger waters.

Fortunately, passing time delivers light to many things. It is the reflecting pool where hindsight and foresight come together in harmonious balance.

If the tools from our past mold and shape our futures, then monotony is a viable contributor by shedding light on what we don’t want. I left my job and found my career solely because I knew what I didn’t want. It defined what I wanted in a clear and tangible manner and that place in time was not it.

Unless you are a farmer, you may prefer to smell the roses rather than the cow pies in the pasture, but you only know that because you have smelled both.

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As I often say, ‘We are where we are because of where we have been. We can’t push water back up stream to make it come down differently.’ The past, present and future shape our in-trepid best selves to guide and direct our futures.

Monotony and stimulation coexist together and can’t stand independently because you only know one feeling by virtue of its opposition. I know how to thrive exclusively because I have floundered.

As with much of my way of thinking, time has provided clarity and the ability to reconcile my behaviors with their outcomes, narrowing the gap between what works and what doesn’t. I am humbled and grateful to grant it worthy space and attention.

My brother likes to say, “If it were easy, everyone would be doing it.” Flounder in the monotony of the mundane so you can thrive in the exhilaration of stimulation. Do it because not everyone is!

Happy New Year!

Friendship: When a Sailboat Capsizes the Keel Rights the Boat

I was recently graced with the presence of my all-time besties from college. For those of you that don’t know me personally, that is 41 years of our collective best and worst selves settled into the north side of middle age-dom.

We have come up together. We spent our last years as teenagers together. We embraced our independence and took trepid naïve steps toward adulthood together.  We morphed into responsible people, transitioning our college life from books, beers and boredom to Chicago, shit jobs and cool apartments.

Together we floundered and prospered. We were bold yet ambivalent, independent yet crazily dependent, and happy yet desperate. We ambled aimlessly and with intent. We were complacent and determined. We shared endless pleasures and a notable amount of pain. We felt the joy of hope and the agony of despair.

We laughed until we peed our pants and cried until we couldn’t shed another tear. We shared the warmth of love and coolness of contention, for there exists no greater comfort or pain than with someone who knows your greatest vulnerabilities.

We discovered our careers and our passions together. We stood in each other’s weddings as we married. We welcomed mini versions of ourselves into the confines of our friendship. We changed diapers, wiped tears and shoved the mini-mes off to college and beyond. We buried our parents.

Our early years together were the first real test of balance. We rode the seesaw up and down while eventually empowering each other to find the middle. These are people whose influence has greatly shaped my life and every step I take forward. I am where I am with and because of them.

After years as roommates, and decades in the same city, we are now in different parts of the country, so our time together is planned. Aside from the occasional one off we make a concerted effort to get together a few times a year. Is it fair to have expectations around these monumental visits?

Depends on which of us replies. Certainly, expectations are the breeding ground of disappointment, a no-win perspective masked in hope which seems to always land itself at the feet of disappointment. Sadly, we shared such a visit.

For me that visit was so detrimental that I stepped out of our friendship for a brief period of time. I didn’t draw a conscious line in the sand but as time passed it grew harder to reconcile my sadness and disappointment.

Life is too short to hold grudges, and I for one don’t allow room in mine for them but if a grudge’s twin is indifference, then I admittedly saddled that horse.

I’m not sure there is a worse way to feel about friendship than indifferent. It is quite the antithesis of how one should feel about their besties. I did not go down that road consciously but since hindsight is the reflecting pool of our misgivings, it is certainly where I double parked.

Fortunately, our friendship’s deep foundational roots endured their pruning. Erasing decades of unconditional love, guidance, empowerment, and congruency is a feat far greater than the reach of expectations or indifference.

When a sailboat capsizes the keel rights the boat. We continue to grow and mature as a collective unit and remain afloat.

We are the keel of each other’s boat. Stay the course!

Our independence is by virtue of our continued dependence on each other. Up, down and balanced harmoniously together forever.

What’s next? Stay tuned!!

The Last Time I Said I Can’t

At what age do we really start thinking for ourselves, making plans, setting goals and believing those outcomes are ours to achieve? If it is as simple as shifting our mindset, when and how do we know to do so?

My Hungarian father and his parents’ sacrifices cast a brilliant light on what resilient and perseverance meant and the tenacity with which they approached survival and hope for a new day. They were worthy examples but as an adolescent how could I associate the direction I needed to take with that of people who left their lives behind for freedom.

Through their example, I grew to see my life as limitless. It was simultaneously encouraged by my parents, but how and when could I put it into action?

Reflecting on that now, to pinpoint a pivotal moment in time when the light went on, it was my senior year of high school on the basketball court.

Something changed, forever.

My coach towered over my 5’9” lanky body and persisted in challenging me to a close jump shot through her outstretched arms. With absolutely no effort, she repeatedly swatted my shot away before it had any hope of success.

“Again,” she commanded, as my teammates watched, grateful not to be standing in my shoes while I continued to struggle.

“Again!”

After the fifth or sixth time, I muttered “I can’t.”

“What did you say?” She was as shocked by my response as I was by the tone of her question.

Gulp, “I can’t.”

Her next words changed my life.

“Don’t you ever say I can’t,” she screamed as she slammed the ball down on the court, promptly spun on her heels and returned to the locker room. Practice over.

Naturally, she was pushing me to think outside the box and do something differently to enable my success, but I threw in the towel and just gave up. I quit.

I can still feel that feeling today. My humiliation was overshadowed by an inordinate sense that I needed to shift my mindset. Verbalizing my negative thoughts allowed me to quit, give up and stop trying.

One of many quotes from Eleanor Roosevelt that I love; “Nothing has ever been achieved by the person who says, ‘It can’t be done.’”

Think about it. Believing you can’t is a cop out, a way to avert failure, an excuse that enables quitters. It’s Superman’s kryptonite.

Combining ‘I can’t’ with any hope of accomplishing something we set our minds to are opposing forces. The up and down of the seesaw has no prospect of finding balance in the middle. I knew in that moment; I could talk myself into something just as easily as I could talk myself out of it.

It became a forever mindset granting me the time and space to believe in myself, to push beyond where comfort lived and to color outside the lines. With time and maturity, it developed my critical thinking skills and furthered my confidence and pride. Attributes that were earned and not given.

After that day, I knew the sky was the limit and my life was mine to live. Sink or swim, I had control. That afternoon on the basketball court was the last time I said or believed, “I can’t.”

Thank you, Coach Nancy Paige.