Tag: Accountable

8 Significant Lessons I Learned From Screwing Up

Since I learned the best lessons in my life through the mistakes I have made, this list could be seemingly infinite because I have made countless ones. There are several that tripped me up for years before I realized I had the power and ability to make a change in the behavior that was causing me so many issues.

The best description I found was looking through the lens of a victim vs a creator.

As a self-imposed victim, I didn’t necessarily blame others for my struggles, mistakes or failures, rather absolved myself from the equation by not being accountable to my actions. As if, the swamp I found myself in existed outside of my ability to see the mountain I could scale.

I didn’t necessarily mope around mumbling ‘woe is me,’ rather silently felt unworthy of progress which left me insecure and scared about my future or any potential success that awaited. I took small steps in the beginning but when I could feel and see that switching my mindset from living irresponsibly to owning and creating my direction, my life began to change.

This change began somewhere during my college years, as I realized the benefits of my focused work, and hit me smack in the face on the heels of my father’s unexpected death when I was 24 years old.

Death with no notice stops you right in your tracks. It left me reflecting on the things I had done that directly hurt others and inadvertently hurt me.

There was no re-do button.

a person holding a red buzzer
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Not all of my lessons revealed themselves in this exact moment, but it sure as hell sharpened my attention and enabled me to take steps in a positive direction, correcting one mistake at a time.

Here are my 8 teachers.

white and brown direction
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Silence is Not Golden

In my youth, I retreated with my emotions and closed up like a clam burrowing in the sand. My mantra, ‘I don’t want to talk about’ when asked about what bothered me, did not serve me well! My father’s death taught me the significance of sharing love, telling people my feelings, speaking my truth, and asking the hard questions in real time, not with hindsight.

Otherwise, I might not get another chance.

Embracing Death Gave Me Life

Understanding and accepting the complexity of relationships and the importance of communication is never clearer than after a loss. The gleam of light in the darkness results from a knowing that life is fleeting, sacred and all encompassing. As M. Scott Peck so eloquently put it, death is my “constant companion, always traveling on my left shoulder.” His words remind me of the the fragility of life and human nature and why I need to live for today and not yesterday.

Otherwise, I might not get another chance.

Resolve, Resilience and Perseverance

This is a 3 for 1, because for me they all surfaced in the same times and places in my life where my greatest struggles thrived. Success only comes after failure by virtue of all 3. It is really difficult to stand up straight again after a gut punch that leaves you breathless, but failure inevitably and repeatedly challenged my resolve, resilience and ability to persevere. As long as I remain focused, they collectively guide me toward the most significant accomplishments in my life.

Otherwise, I might not get another chance.

Accountability

Owning my shit enabled me to feel worthy and move forward without regret.  Being accountable doesn’t absolve me of mistakes or any poor choices that I continue to make, it simply defines my role in the process. Knowing I went down the wrong path makes the presence of its potential in my future much clearer, enabling me to thwart it in its tracks or rectify it before it’s a problem.

Otherwise, I might not get another chance.

Humility and Why the High Road is an Easy Climb

Humility was quite elusive for me, especially in the times in my life when I was ‘this’ or ‘that’ or had something to prove. I stumbled on the comforting feeling once I decided my life would be better lived under the radar. Arguing, complaining, bragging, or being the loudest one in the room gets one a lot of attention for all the wrong reasons. People aren’t paying attention when it’s always in their faces, so I retreat and let my actions speak for my words.

Otherwise, I might not get another chance.

So go out and screw up, take notes and do better next time.

Otherwise, you might not get another chance.

I Resemble That Outcome – Personal Responsibility

As a kid, I lived knee deep in consequences. There were many but most resulted from defying the seemingly, menial orders-from-headquarters tasks that ran along a constant theme of being lazy around the house chores I loathed.

Need I list them?

Exactly. I travel in good company.

There was no ‘upside’ to complying, it pretty much sucked if I did the chores or didn’t. School felt similarly blah. My grades were average, and even when they were above average, I didn’t connect my ability, or lack of, with a sense of controlling my outcome. It felt more like a means to an end.

all i need
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Not until I got involved in high school athletics could I emotionally and physically connect responsibility with the outcome of my actions. If I hit a jump shot at the buzzer, I would reel in glory for days and if I missed a gate and DQ’d in an important race, I sulked and moped.

Since my life did not resemble a basketball game nor ski race, responsibility and accountability eluded my internal compass. I didn’t blame others for my plight, rather excused myself from the responsibility of those outcomes.

That attitude moved right to college with me. As you might imagine, it was not the winning combination an aspiring college grad needed. If not for the academic probation I had to endure after my first semester freshman year, I might have coasted into mediocrity indefinitely. Since I associated ‘probation’ with criminals, I needed to get out of jail pronto!

hallway with window
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Time to get my shit together.

Cracking down on the books is subjective, right? Not if you’re on probation! It meant mirroring things that the smarty pants did like visit the library, study, complete homework, attend class, pay attention in class, and regularly consult my student advisor.

All things I should have done from the beginning.

It meant discipline, focus, determination, accountability, and responsibility. It meant owning my outcomes and taking proactive steps toward improving them. It also meant fewer than the 16 credit hours I had saddled during the semester of my academic fiasco. Twelve credits became the magic number.

If you’re a math whiz, you quickly determined that path would not lead to graduation in the 4 years I hoped.

Third grade x 2 to the rescue!

No offense to 5th year seniors but sitting through third grade twice lit a fire under my academic ass enabling me to successfully manage back to back semesters @ 20 credit hours. Yep, that’s 40 credits in my senior year. The equivalent to 3.3 semesters at my previous pace.

I am a math whiz!

close up photo of stack of books
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I got the shit done. I took responsibility and found accountability. If not for the consequence of my mediocre actions, I would not have found the value, gratitude and inspiration in taking responsibility for my poor results and changing course for better outcomes.

Those failures single-handedly empowered my path and solidified the ownership of my actions. They are 2 badges that I wear with pride. Despite both, I prevailed.

Profound lessons for my future self as I realized personal responsibility and accountability don’t abolish bad choices or poor outcomes, they simply remove blame and excuses from the equation. If I trip and fall, I spring back to my feet faster than I fell.

Today, my critical thinking skills are stronger than ever, and I methodically avoid negative consequential actions. If they result despite my proactive efforts, I take responsibility, reflect on where I could have done better, then press on full steam ahead.

I resemble that outcome and would rather swim like the Goldfish with a Shark’s swagger.

Touching a Hot Stove Never Felt so Good

For as long as I can remember I have used the ‘hot stove’ analogy when I make significant mistakes in my life. You only touch a hot stove once because your skin bubbles, it hurts like hell, and you swear at the top of your lungs. Point made. I won’t do that again!

Conversely, there are mistakes that simmer on the back burner not hot enough to scorch our consciousness into change. They exist just outside of the realm of accountability and persist in variations of the same underlying theme. A self-fulling prophecy that lands us right back in the misery of where we began.

Recognizing that being numb to the consequences of our mistakes or failures isn’t a productive place to rest, we need to greet them with open arms and a willingness to effect change.

One small catch, how do we spot them a mile away barreling in our direction? Surely, there is a pattern in our behavior that is as clear as frickin day! “Hello, nice to see you again. Shall I trip you now or next time we meet?”

We don’t know what needs fixing until we do! Repeating the same mistake doesn’t teach us anything until it results in a different outcome. If we see mistakes as the seeds of our life lessons, then hydrating them is tantamount to overcoming them.

Many of the mistakes I made in my life brought about an abrupt change in my future behavior because of the writhing pain they created. If you touch a hot stove your next move isn’t jumping in the oven!

The one and done lessons are the easier ones to learn. Those that simmer on the back burner need our focus and attention. Many of the early choices in my life were in the name of self-protection and their misguided outcomes simmered until the pot went dry.

Time and maturity enabled me to be more objective with my approach and rationale of what self-protection should look or feel like and hurting those I loved was not it.

With time and reflection on my side, I learned those choices caused me and those around me more harm than good. Consciously choosing my path became the foundation for making productive decisions. A fork in the road doesn’t continue in the same direction for a reason. Pausing and anticipating the outcomes of going left or right became the starting point for positive outcomes.

Wrangling a definitive path that proceeds in a positive direction does not mean there won’t be bumps in the road. Ultimately, we need to believe that our actions and reactions are fully within our control. How we manage them, and their potential damage will dictate how we see our futures.

It is liberating to be accountable to the choices I make even when their outcomes don’t always work in my favor. Being accountable does not absolve me of poor decisions, rather it casts a luminous light on the outcomes. It is a proactive choice that balances the direction I take with its result. No excuses, no regrets.

We thrive or flounder in our own personal experiences and what we perceive them to represent to our benefit or detriment.  Life is not meant to be lived infallibly but without doubt needs to be lived absent blame, excuses and most importantly, regret.