Category: My Life’s Lessons

Touching a Hot Stove Never Felt so Good

For as long as I can remember I have used the ‘hot stove’ analogy when I make significant mistakes in my life. You only touch a hot stove once because your skin bubbles, it hurts like hell, and you swear at the top of your lungs. Point made. I won’t do that again!

Conversely, there are mistakes that simmer on the back burner not hot enough to scorch our consciousness into change. They exist just outside of the realm of accountability and persist in variations of the same underlying theme. A self-fulling prophecy that lands us right back in the misery of where we began.

Recognizing that being numb to the consequences of our mistakes or failures isn’t a productive place to rest, we need to greet them with open arms and a willingness to effect change.

One small catch, how do we spot them a mile away barreling in our direction? Surely, there is a pattern in our behavior that is as clear as frickin day! “Hello, nice to see you again. Shall I trip you now or next time we meet?”

We don’t know what needs fixing until we do! Repeating the same mistake doesn’t teach us anything until it results in a different outcome. If we see mistakes as the seeds of our life lessons, then hydrating them is tantamount to overcoming them.

Many of the mistakes I made in my life brought about an abrupt change in my future behavior because of the writhing pain they created. If you touch a hot stove your next move isn’t jumping in the oven!

The one and done lessons are the easier ones to learn. Those that simmer on the back burner need our focus and attention. Many of the early choices in my life were in the name of self-protection and their misguided outcomes simmered until the pot went dry.

Time and maturity enabled me to be more objective with my approach and rationale of what self-protection should look or feel like and hurting those I loved was not it.

With time and reflection on my side, I learned those choices caused me and those around me more harm than good. Consciously choosing my path became the foundation for making productive decisions. A fork in the road doesn’t continue in the same direction for a reason. Pausing and anticipating the outcomes of going left or right became the starting point for positive outcomes.

Wrangling a definitive path that proceeds in a positive direction does not mean there won’t be bumps in the road. Ultimately, we need to believe that our actions and reactions are fully within our control. How we manage them, and their potential damage will dictate how we see our futures.

It is liberating to be accountable to the choices I make even when their outcomes don’t always work in my favor. Being accountable does not absolve me of poor decisions, rather it casts a luminous light on the outcomes. It is a proactive choice that balances the direction I take with its result. No excuses, no regrets.

We thrive or flounder in our own personal experiences and what we perceive them to represent to our benefit or detriment.  Life is not meant to be lived infallibly but without doubt needs to be lived absent blame, excuses and most importantly, regret.

To Concede or Not to Concede?

That is the question!

You can’t have lived a day of life without bumping up against failure. Real or imagined, it looms around the corner waiting patiently to trounce on your next hope filled endeavor. Whether athletic, professional or esoteric, our dreams cannot be dreamt of without the gnawing possibility of their immediate evaporation.

Do we save ourselves the agony of eminent defeat by squashing them before they are realized or exert only a halfhearted effort because we know “it just wasn’t meant to be?” A self-fulfilling prophecy whose path we laid with sparkles and walked upon with trepidation. Welcome to failure-dom. Please step to the back of the line, we knew you’d be back.

If we are where we are because of where we have been then our past failures become our future successes, that is if we choose not to concede. Losing sucks! What we do in the face of its full-on tackle will determine every step we take forward from that moment. Not the act of failing itself, more the mental concession to our subconscious and the negative energy it perpetuates. Do we kick dirt on it and turn on our heels or dust off the ole shoes and embrace the next trepid ride?

I’ve done both but favor going down kicking and screaming. Fortunately, this pattern showed me the worth of the many bumps and bruises I endured. They revealed the submission to failure grew from insecurity and thrived in hesitation. I granted permission to question my strength, my ability and my self-worth. The consequential outcome fed hesitation like a spreading cancer stifling any glimmer of hope or resolve. It kept pointing its finger right back at me, the sole saboteur of my own future successes.

Connecting me and my actions to the outcomes, seemingly simple yet elusive, changed how I moved forward. I have had endless support in my life, but there have been times in both my business and writing endeavors that I was told to quit or give up or “you can never do that.” I am grateful for the challenge that emerged from their doubt. I had a point to prove! I dug in my heels deeper and pushed harder.

Fortunately, I was raised to see my life as limitless, everything is within reach. I know in my gut that I can do anything I put my mind to and had I quit before I failed, I would have never realized success. The beauty of life’s greatest successes is they emerge from the shadows of failure.

So, fight like hell in opposition. Put every ounce of effort into failing. Quitters never win because they avert any and all opportunity to fail. An opportunity to fail is not a failure, it is a chance to win.

I am fortunate to have grown through my failures. Why not throw in the towel, fall on the sword and concede defeat? Because no growth is found on Easy Street. The glass can’t be half full if there is a hole in the bottom. Failure in effort is a great success because of the lessons it reveals.

It is a huge win in my book.

Regret

If you could change something about your past, would you? Would you if every single moment from that space in time also changed? We can’t isolate one event or interaction with an eye for a do-over without it impacting every second from that moment forward. If you haven’t seen the 1998 film, Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow, or need a refresher, check it out. It is a great theatrical example of this.

“I am where I am because of where I have been, I can’t push water back upstream and make it come down differently.” This is something I say, or at least think, a lot! This is certainly not the most consequential news of the day. Every second of every step I have taken preceding this exact moment in time holds purposeful meaning, it lands me at this precise juncture.

What happens if we can’t rationalize where we are? What if you missed the train? If we are where we are because of where we have been then everything is as it should be. As with all seemingly impractical matters of the heart and mind, such a shift in thinking is much harder than we imagine it to be. Why is it so much easier to beat ourselves up for something we can’t change than accept it for what it is?

When I think about my choices and the direction they have taken me, I can’t help but continue to remind myself that all is as it should be. Even if the outcomes are not ideal, what good does it do to labor over something I can’t control?

For me, facing adversity head on was an acquired mindset requiring thoughtful practice. Fortunately, something time was able to deliver. Prior to this, I second guessed myself, carried doubt and what if’d my days away. I have visualized my futile attempt at trying to capture the water and get it back up the stream from where it came.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda, the three most detrimental alliances capable of thwarting our hopes and dreams. The doubt that is cast over our aspirations cannot be realized in their over shadowing presence. It is unproductive and paralyzing. Regret is a heavy burden that looms around all our future endeavors.

Imagine spending your life thinking you should have done something differently. Unless you are sitting in jail for a wildly egregious crime, it is a monumental waste of time. Spiraling in the swarm of regret disables so many opportunities and possibilities.

I know this because I have done both. Fully embracing my past and the gain that arose from pain, enables me to persevere through the most trying circumstances. I would not change one thing in the past, including the most excruciating among them. Rather than wallow in regret, I choose to focus on the tools the lesson provides.

Living without regret does not absolve us of the mistakes that were made, rather it creates a space for compassion and forgiveness to emerge. Smooth seas do not hone the skills of a good sailor for a reason. If life proceeded in perfect balance and harmony, what would you do when the shit hit the fan and the boat was on the verge of capsizing?

Man the helm, ease the sheets, batten down the hatches, and ride the storm. The sun rises every day and calm seas will return.

Life in Death Situation

The author shares their experience with death when their father passed away unexpectedly at the age of 24. This led to self-questioning and emotional struggling, referred to as ‘wallow-dom’. In dealing with this grief, the author found solace in M. Scott Peck’s book, ‘The Road Less Traveled’. The book’s message about the presence of death, as an ally and counselor, helped the author embrace life more fully, drawing explicit connections between death, life, love, honesty, and expression.

The precarious nature of our existence is never clearer than in the face of death. If mistakes are life’s pencil sharpener, then death smacks of ridiculous frickin clarity, that is if you are paying proper attention. As with all life events innately designed to have you on your ass buried in the weeds, death attached to someone with whom you share the same DNA is the international champion of such events. The prize, a gold-plated shovel necessary to dig the hole to wallow-dom. Welcome to the club for you have arrived.

I was 24 years old when my father died unexpectedly. Before my head stopped spinning, I had pitched a tent in wallow-dom. Second guessing took the first of many prizes pacing neck in neck with what if’s. If the club had a secret handshake, I mastered it with my eyes closed.

Resources were scarce, and compassionate knowing nonexistent in my cavalier life that just delivered my first real job and bills to pay. In the 80’s people whispered cancer in fear of being discovered so facing death was best done alone. No RIP social media posts granting space for hashtag empathy. Deal and move on please, you are blocking the entrance!

Through her bionic wisdom, capable of scaling mountains, climbing down deep holes and crossing oceans, my mother delivered something that helped me pack up my tent and leave wallow-dom – M. Scott Peck’s, The Road Less Traveled. Beautifully tattered and yellowed after 35 years as a reference, it is a timeless must read for those seeking a deeper meaning in life.

The Road Less Traveled

I read this book two separate times, 23 years apart. I derived separate and significant insights each time. Like a fine wine, the message aged well and spoke more broadly to me and the areas of my life that time had tested.

Immediately after my father’s death, one of my many answerless questions… Does the pain of death perpetuate death (physically or spiritually) or life? Page 133, delivered my answer. This is a glimpse of why Peck’s book has sold over seven million copies and why it is clearly, a life in death situation:

“If we can live with the knowledge that death is our constant companion, traveling on our left shoulder, then death becomes our ally and a source of wise counsel. With death’s counsel, the constant awareness of the limit of our time to live and love, we can always be guided to make the best use of our time and live life to the fullest. But if we are unwilling to fully face the fearsome presence of death on our left shoulder, we deprive ourselves of its counsel and cannot possibly live or love with clarity. When we shy away from death, the ever-changing nature of things, we inevitably shy away from life.”

Can I get a mic drop please? Even today, these words produce goose bumps and make my heart race. What a gift! They made me feel lucky to have lived and survived a death of such significance in my young life. What a blessing, always ‘traveling on my left shoulder.’ Death’s presence perpetuates life, love, honesty, openness, expression, and the values inherent within them. No room for complacent wimps. Next in line, please step to the front.