Regret

If you could change something about your past, would you? Would you if every single moment from that space in time also changed? We can’t isolate one event or interaction with an eye for a do-over without it impacting every second from that moment forward. If you haven’t seen the 1998 film, Sliding Doors with Gwyneth Paltrow, or need a refresher, check it out. It is a great theatrical example of this.

“I am where I am because of where I have been, I can’t push water back upstream and make it come down differently.” This is something I say, or at least think, a lot! This is certainly not the most consequential news of the day. Every second of every step I have taken preceding this exact moment in time holds purposeful meaning, it lands me at this precise juncture.

What happens if we can’t rationalize where we are? What if you missed the train? If we are where we are because of where we have been then everything is as it should be. As with all seemingly impractical matters of the heart and mind, such a shift in thinking is much harder than we imagine it to be. Why is it so much easier to beat ourselves up for something we can’t change than accept it for what it is?

When I think about my choices and the direction they have taken me, I can’t help but continue to remind myself that all is as it should be. Even if the outcomes are not ideal, what good does it do to labor over something I can’t control?

For me, facing adversity head on was an acquired mindset requiring thoughtful practice. Fortunately, something time was able to deliver. Prior to this, I second guessed myself, carried doubt and what if’d my days away. I have visualized my futile attempt at trying to capture the water and get it back up the stream from where it came.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda, the three most detrimental alliances capable of thwarting our hopes and dreams. The doubt that is cast over our aspirations cannot be realized in their over shadowing presence. It is unproductive and paralyzing. Regret is a heavy burden that looms around all our future endeavors.

Imagine spending your life thinking you should have done something differently. Unless you are sitting in jail for a wildly egregious crime, it is a monumental waste of time. Spiraling in the swarm of regret disables so many opportunities and possibilities.

I know this because I have done both. Fully embracing my past and the gain that arose from pain, enables me to persevere through the most trying circumstances. I would not change one thing in the past, including the most excruciating among them. Rather than wallow in regret, I choose to focus on the tools the lesson provides.

Living without regret does not absolve us of the mistakes that were made, rather it creates a space for compassion and forgiveness to emerge. Smooth seas do not hone the skills of a good sailor for a reason. If life proceeded in perfect balance and harmony, what would you do when the shit hit the fan and the boat was on the verge of capsizing?

Man the helm, ease the sheets, batten down the hatches, and ride the storm. The sun rises every day and calm seas will return.

Life in Death Situation

The author shares their experience with death when their father passed away unexpectedly at the age of 24. This led to self-questioning and emotional struggling, referred to as ‘wallow-dom’. In dealing with this grief, the author found solace in M. Scott Peck’s book, ‘The Road Less Traveled’. The book’s message about the presence of death, as an ally and counselor, helped the author embrace life more fully, drawing explicit connections between death, life, love, honesty, and expression.

The precarious nature of our existence is never clearer than in the face of death. If mistakes are life’s pencil sharpener, then death smacks of ridiculous frickin clarity, that is if you are paying proper attention. As with all life events innately designed to have you on your ass buried in the weeds, death attached to someone with whom you share the same DNA is the international champion of such events. The prize, a gold-plated shovel necessary to dig the hole to wallow-dom. Welcome to the club for you have arrived.

I was 24 years old when my father died unexpectedly. Before my head stopped spinning, I had pitched a tent in wallow-dom. Second guessing took the first of many prizes pacing neck in neck with what if’s. If the club had a secret handshake, I mastered it with my eyes closed.

Resources were scarce, and compassionate knowing nonexistent in my cavalier life that just delivered my first real job and bills to pay. In the 80’s people whispered cancer in fear of being discovered so facing death was best done alone. No RIP social media posts granting space for hashtag empathy. Deal and move on please, you are blocking the entrance!

Through her bionic wisdom, capable of scaling mountains, climbing down deep holes and crossing oceans, my mother delivered something that helped me pack up my tent and leave wallow-dom – M. Scott Peck’s, The Road Less Traveled. Beautifully tattered and yellowed after 35 years as a reference, it is a timeless must read for those seeking a deeper meaning in life.

The Road Less Traveled

I read this book two separate times, 23 years apart. I derived separate and significant insights each time. Like a fine wine, the message aged well and spoke more broadly to me and the areas of my life that time had tested.

Immediately after my father’s death, one of my many answerless questions… Does the pain of death perpetuate death (physically or spiritually) or life? Page 133, delivered my answer. This is a glimpse of why Peck’s book has sold over seven million copies and why it is clearly, a life in death situation:

“If we can live with the knowledge that death is our constant companion, traveling on our left shoulder, then death becomes our ally and a source of wise counsel. With death’s counsel, the constant awareness of the limit of our time to live and love, we can always be guided to make the best use of our time and live life to the fullest. But if we are unwilling to fully face the fearsome presence of death on our left shoulder, we deprive ourselves of its counsel and cannot possibly live or love with clarity. When we shy away from death, the ever-changing nature of things, we inevitably shy away from life.”

Can I get a mic drop please? Even today, these words produce goose bumps and make my heart race. What a gift! They made me feel lucky to have lived and survived a death of such significance in my young life. What a blessing, always ‘traveling on my left shoulder.’ Death’s presence perpetuates life, love, honesty, openness, expression, and the values inherent within them. No room for complacent wimps. Next in line, please step to the front.

What the ‘F’ is Wrong with People?!?

The author reflects on the importance of self-reflection, compassion, and critical thinking in navigating life’s challenges. Drawing from experiences as a refugee’s daughter and observing the impact of diversity, she underscores the importance of co-existing amidst differences and challenges the avoidance of meaningful discussions in favor of harmful actions. She also highlights compassion and empathy as vital to understanding different perspectives, and encourages accepting diversity and individuality.

I stopped watching the sensationalized news years ago. Unfortunately, there is no escaping the onslaught of the despicable and their fallacious or malicious ways. I am perfectly fallible ambling through life hoping and trying not to be. Is there any other way? We all make mistakes and I have made my share. Like slippery ice on the sidewalk that sneaks up on you before you realize you are already on the ground writhing in pain.

Sometimes I don’t see the ice. Other times I see it glistening from miles away but keep walking in that direction. What draws us to the wrong direction? Hope or Hate? Hope that we might be able to sidestep the ice in the distance. Or hate for the ice and whoever the ‘F’ put it there. Both choices lead us down the wrong path but one teaches us how to avoid slipping in the future while the other perpetuates the inevitable. It’s clearly out of our control and someone else’s ‘F’ing problem not mine.

close up of the hands of a young couple
Photo by Alexander Mass on Pexels.com

How did we become incapable of self reflection, critical thinking, objective decision making and most importantly, loving thy ‘F’ing neighbor?! If you could walk 10 feet beyond every choice you made before you actually took the steps, would you? Is your opinion or action really that important if the hurt it projects, real or perceived, not only crushes your audience but chips at your own soul?

As the daughter of a political refugee, I was exposed to different cultures, ethnicities and skin colors through a lens that projected everyone as equals. I guess, when you have fought for your freedom and have walked in other’s shoes judgement is irrelevant and unnecessary. At the time, I didn’t realize the value of my father’s worldly ways and the broader exposure it supported. A true gift lived by example.

As I grew older, I witnessed the contradiction to this gift as it shed a bright and luminous light on the consequence of our collective actions, good and bad. How did we become a collection of diversity now needing to be like everyone else? Why do we kill people that don’t share our beliefs? Why do we kill children before they can form theirs’? Why do we reach for a gun instead of objective reflection? Critical thinking with a serving of rational understanding in the name of acceptance for why your opinion matters. A simple recipe best served without a measuring cup.  

Can’t we just agree to disagree? I saw somewhere recently that anger will shorten your life by 15 years. Hmmm, die early or be happy and kind. Not much of a stretch there. Life would truly suck if we stood as mirror images of each other. Qualities that are different and unique are the antithesis of ambiguity for a reason. Why be ambiguous or indifferent when you can stand proudly in your spoken or unspoken individuality without risk of retribution.

The project, Marlo Thomas and Friends message of inclusion from 1972 coined the simplicity of coexisting amid diversity Free to be You and Me. The 21st century version re-sung by Sara Bareilles in 2020 is linked below. Check it out!

Expanding our horizons is not about clearing the trees, rather seeing the beauty among and beyond them. You be you and I will be me. Embrace the ugly, different and outspoken the same way you might hug your puppy after he took a runny, messy poop all over your new living room rug.

Compassion and Empathy for All! #CEforAll